Time simply can be painful
It has been quite a long stretch since I have written a blog post. Years in fact. Instead of going through what has been keeping me busy or what life has thrown our way, I'll just start with a heart felt post of a one woman and mother to the world.
I am now the mother of eight children, seven of which I am raising and range in age from 23 months to 15. My heart is full, my mind never stops and my emotions range from overwhelming love of these God given blessings to I'm failing as a mother because they all hate me.
Let me start of today by simply stating.... OUCH. 2018 was hard! It was difficult and painful mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually in many areas of life. As a mom I was tested in knowledge, patience, grace, emotional strength, and how much can I love a child that is really, really difficult. One of our children has been much more of a challenge this last year and because of his choices he is currently receiving intensive therapy and education in himself. This is his story to tell, so I will not share too many details. However, to help other women going through a season with a very hard teenager or child I am going to talk about some hard things in this story.
As the mother of a child or children with sensory disorders, processing disorders, personality disorders, anxiety disorders or even mental disorders and struggles I find myself feeling extremely alone. This topic is almost hush, hush. If you start talking about it people get squirmy and uncomfortable really fast. Mostly because they don't know what to say to avoid being rude or come across harsh or even hurtful.
IT IS OK!!!! It's okay if you have a child with different struggles or needs that your circle or community. You can't keep it all to yourself and it's perfectly okay to talk about it. Let's talk!
My child was placed in a long term intensive therapeutic facility in September. It is January. I miss my kiddo like crazy! He gets to come home on the weekends now and I have to confess something. I stand in the bedroom door and just watch him sleep and soak up seeing him home and in his bedroom. I constantly stare at him because in a weeks time he seems to change a lot when he's not home. I'm officially a creeper mom during his weekend passes.
As a Christian I have been challenged spiritually to keep my faith strong in God's plan for my son. In the last several months I have learned to put faith in God's work and timing and let go of my child some. This has absolutely NOT been easy. I went through a grieving period in the beginning. I grieved the loss of my son. When he left our home, we didn't physically see him for 6 weeks. That. Was. Hard. Then, something changed. There was a relief in our home and then in me. This wasn't a relief from having our son home, but simply a relief from the not knowing how to help and walking on egg shells constantly every day. The moment I realized that relief I cried. Actually, I sobbed myself into a puddle on the bathroom floor. I felt agonizing guilt. I felt like I was a horrible mother. Which led me to my knees and in prayer, begging for understanding. In that prayer and through events over the next weeks God provided me an understanding that made any guilt fade away. Not only did we start seeing a change in our son, we began to heal from the past two years experiences and struggles.
God led me to this... I am a child of God! I shall not fear. I am this child's mother, and at this age I can not control his thoughts or behavior. I can give him the tools to help him respond in ways that are healthy, both for him and those around him, I can give him God's word to compare his feelings to, I can teach him that he needs to respond by his faith and not his feelings, and I can show him that he is loved. I can show up.
I, we, showed up to every therapy session. I went to visitations and I picked him up for weekend passes to start transitioning back to the home environment. We are in the messy middle of it all. It's not over and we do not know what the future holds. What we do know is that God is good! He has a plan and I don't have to know what it is right now. Right now, we are in this messy season and I want to share it. To give God honor and glory for putting His hand on us and keeping us close. To thank God for the answered prayers of understanding and also for giving us grace when we've wavered. I'm not a perfect woman or mother, I fail. Some days I fall flat on my face and it takes days to get up and running towards God. On days like today, I'm walking smoothly with an understanding of where this journey is going and looking forward to the future. So I encourage you. The mom's that struggle with how they are feeling as they go through messes like mine... don't forget who's you are and why you are where you are.
Never forget... God is Good!! God is Great!!
His plans are higher than our plans!
Hold fast to your faith in Him!
Joy will come in the morning!
Blessings,
Stacey
I am now the mother of eight children, seven of which I am raising and range in age from 23 months to 15. My heart is full, my mind never stops and my emotions range from overwhelming love of these God given blessings to I'm failing as a mother because they all hate me.
Let me start of today by simply stating.... OUCH. 2018 was hard! It was difficult and painful mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually in many areas of life. As a mom I was tested in knowledge, patience, grace, emotional strength, and how much can I love a child that is really, really difficult. One of our children has been much more of a challenge this last year and because of his choices he is currently receiving intensive therapy and education in himself. This is his story to tell, so I will not share too many details. However, to help other women going through a season with a very hard teenager or child I am going to talk about some hard things in this story.
As the mother of a child or children with sensory disorders, processing disorders, personality disorders, anxiety disorders or even mental disorders and struggles I find myself feeling extremely alone. This topic is almost hush, hush. If you start talking about it people get squirmy and uncomfortable really fast. Mostly because they don't know what to say to avoid being rude or come across harsh or even hurtful.
IT IS OK!!!! It's okay if you have a child with different struggles or needs that your circle or community. You can't keep it all to yourself and it's perfectly okay to talk about it. Let's talk!
My child was placed in a long term intensive therapeutic facility in September. It is January. I miss my kiddo like crazy! He gets to come home on the weekends now and I have to confess something. I stand in the bedroom door and just watch him sleep and soak up seeing him home and in his bedroom. I constantly stare at him because in a weeks time he seems to change a lot when he's not home. I'm officially a creeper mom during his weekend passes.
As a Christian I have been challenged spiritually to keep my faith strong in God's plan for my son. In the last several months I have learned to put faith in God's work and timing and let go of my child some. This has absolutely NOT been easy. I went through a grieving period in the beginning. I grieved the loss of my son. When he left our home, we didn't physically see him for 6 weeks. That. Was. Hard. Then, something changed. There was a relief in our home and then in me. This wasn't a relief from having our son home, but simply a relief from the not knowing how to help and walking on egg shells constantly every day. The moment I realized that relief I cried. Actually, I sobbed myself into a puddle on the bathroom floor. I felt agonizing guilt. I felt like I was a horrible mother. Which led me to my knees and in prayer, begging for understanding. In that prayer and through events over the next weeks God provided me an understanding that made any guilt fade away. Not only did we start seeing a change in our son, we began to heal from the past two years experiences and struggles.
God led me to this... I am a child of God! I shall not fear. I am this child's mother, and at this age I can not control his thoughts or behavior. I can give him the tools to help him respond in ways that are healthy, both for him and those around him, I can give him God's word to compare his feelings to, I can teach him that he needs to respond by his faith and not his feelings, and I can show him that he is loved. I can show up.
I, we, showed up to every therapy session. I went to visitations and I picked him up for weekend passes to start transitioning back to the home environment. We are in the messy middle of it all. It's not over and we do not know what the future holds. What we do know is that God is good! He has a plan and I don't have to know what it is right now. Right now, we are in this messy season and I want to share it. To give God honor and glory for putting His hand on us and keeping us close. To thank God for the answered prayers of understanding and also for giving us grace when we've wavered. I'm not a perfect woman or mother, I fail. Some days I fall flat on my face and it takes days to get up and running towards God. On days like today, I'm walking smoothly with an understanding of where this journey is going and looking forward to the future. So I encourage you. The mom's that struggle with how they are feeling as they go through messes like mine... don't forget who's you are and why you are where you are.
Never forget... God is Good!! God is Great!!
His plans are higher than our plans!
Hold fast to your faith in Him!
Joy will come in the morning!
Blessings,
Stacey
Comments