Darkest & Most Hidden Places

I have been on a journey with God for the last 6 years.  Little did I know that God has spent my life preparing me for such a time as this.

 Let me just say that there are no untouchable moments for God.  He leans deep into those places we shove to the farthest corners of our mind and hearts and He give us Himself there!!

I used to view my life as just a mess.  A big, dysfunctional mess. Now, I see it as a beautiful mess that has purpose.  Each painful, traumatic, happy, and exciting moment has had a purpose.  As the years have gone by God has given me wisdom and insight into my childhood.  He has provided healing through bible studies, mentoring, and teaching in SO many places.  This journey of healing truly began about 5 years ago.  I attended a Summer bible study with some fellow mom friends.  That bible study revealed to me so many things in my relationships with other people and why I struggled in those relationships.  The bible study, God's tool, allowed healing from some of my past.  I won't go into any details because it's the past.  If you have ever had parents go through an ugly divorce as a young child or dealt with abuse then you know what kind of traumatic childhood I endured.  

So, here I am today living my life for God and truly putting my faith in His path for my life.  I am now fully invested in Girl's Ministry and following that calling.  In just a few short weeks I will be talking to girls at a purity retreat.  How ironic the timing is!  For months God has been preparing my heart for this message to the girls.  For weeks I have been reading and studying and praying over where to focus.  As I am preparing God has allowed some situations to be recalled to my mind. Quite frankly, some situations and relationships that I would rather not recall.  Those times in my life were so messy because I was such a broken and lost young girl.  I raised my hands in praise to God for the paths He has put before me and worshiped.  I am so thankful God has been there through every situation, stupid decision, and ignorant act I made as a teenager.  All I could do as I recalled memories was praise God!  I sit with tears streaming, a smile on my face, and my hands lifted to Jesus.  Complete AWE of just how far this woman has come in her short 32 years!  I give God ALL the praise and glory for that distance!  If it wasn't for His redeeming grace and His constant presence I wouldn't be where I am.  I just gave all of those emotions to God, I laid them at His feet.  That was the past after all.  I continued studying and praying. 

 Then, just as I am getting excited about the topics and message God throws a curve ball out of no where.  I look up one day while helping my daughter's cheer squad and there he is.  A man from my past.  A man that I gave not only my heart to, but my virtue as well.  How ironic and perfect is God's timing?  Here I am about to discuss holding on to your virtue and living a pure God honoring life, and God reminds me what it feels like to give that away before you are married.  Hmmmm... I had to think about this for a minute.  I could feel the thoughts and feelings of unworthiness creeping up.  I could hear the enemy reminding me I am not worthy to be teaching girls how to honor God when I didn't do what I'm telling them to do.  Then... that gentle voice deep inside reminds me I belong to HIM!  I am a daughter of the King.  I have been redeemed and forgiven and am covered in the blood of Christ.  I am worthy.  I am to use my experiences and testimony to teach these young girls that their choices are important!  Their minds, mouths, and bodies are precious to God and He wants them to guard it with everything they have.  He wants them to choose Him and live their lives out for Him.  

Psalm 34:4

So, I see this man and then I speak to him.  WHAT did I just do?  It was incredibly awkward. However, that opened a door for communication that later lead to a very difficult conversation to have. Now, keep in mind I have been married to the absolute love of my life for over 14 years!  So, I let him know that I ran into this man and what I felt needed to happen.  I let him know I felt this man needs some healing and needs to express some things to me that I have already forgiven.  This conversation with him is not only going to be for me, but for him.  He is fully supportive and I am just that much more in love with my husband for that!  He would endure awkwardness for the sake of allowing another person, he doesn't even know, healing. 

The man from my past and I had a talk.  We discussed our past relationship and how it and the ending of it affected our lives.  Grace and forgiveness was given. I quickly realized that this mans heart has been being prepared as well. This man that I often still see as that 17 year old boy in my head, needs healing. He needs the love and mercy of Jesus! Does he deserve it? No.  Do any of us deserve the grace and forgiveness we receive?  Absolutely not.  But, because Christ died for me and God is forgiving and provides me grace I will do the same for this man. 

The darkest and most hidden of places in your life, God can heal.  YOU have to be open to living that life for Him and YOU have to allow healing.  YOU have to allow God in those places and also allow your heart to be prepared well in advance of awkward and difficult situations in life.  If you don't allow that preparation the healing can't happen completely.  

Blessings,